Bookshelf

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“Bookshelves are irrelevant. The only significant thing they have ever done is kill Stephen Hawking.”

~ Millennials on bookshelves

“The hell do I need books for? I can read the same thing on my phone.”

~ Millennials on books

“The hell do I need books for? I can't even read!”

~ Donald Trump on anything that exceeds 280 characters, and even that's pushing it

A bookcase is a piece of decorative furniture used to store books. Bookcases are almost always divided into bookshelves, which is better than stacking books on top of each other upright. Books stacked like that would topple over faster than Jenga.

No human being would stack books like this.

History of books[edit]

One day, Ug wrote something down so he wouldn't forget it. Thus, books were born.

In the beginning, people wrote books by hand, which led to a centuries-long arthritis epidemic. Finally, Johannes Gutenberg (not to be confused with Steve Guttenberg) invented the printing press in 1440. What this machine does is print books, making mass production a walk in the park. It made Gutenberg more money (adjusted for inflation) than Guttenberg made off any of the Police Academy movies. And arthritis and carpal tunnel diagnoses were reduced by 90 percent within the next five years.

Soon, there were so many books in existence that people asked, "What am I gonna do with all these damn books?" Thus, the bookshelf was born, and later the bookcase. Eventually, there were so many fucking books that libraries were invented.

The digital age[edit]

The digital age has made books and their storage all but obsolete. But reading The Great Gatsby on your computer, phone, tablet or whatever newfangled gadget they've come up with next, will never be as exciting as reading pages of paper splashed with ink. Pure analog bliss. And watching one of the five billion movie adaptations will only give you half the story.

Typical bookcase/shelf designs[edit]

Some bookcases require you to put them together yourself, you lazy fuck.

Bookcases, and therefore shelves, are usually made out of wood, because it's stronger material than paper and more durable than rubber or plastic.

Other designs, usually reserved for pompous, rich assholes, include steel, gold, iron, titanium, silver, and Kryptonite.

Only an idiot buys a bookcase made out of cardboard.

Most bookcases require assembly. No, not that good excuse to get out of that boring math test you know you're gonna flunk. Assembly means you have to get off your lazy ass and put it together yourself. Good luck with that.

How to use a bookcase/shelf[edit]

So, after reading this wonderfully informative article, you now want to take advantage of this wonderful storage receptacle. But where do you start?

First things first, you need some books. Don't have books? Get them. Don't know what books to get? Why not start with the classics? The Great Gatsby. A Tale of Two Cities. 1984. Animal Farm. Gone With The Wind. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Bram Stoker's Dracula. Lord of the Rings. The Hobbit. Twilight.

Oh, you're more of a comic book guy? You might enjoy graphic novels. I highly recommend Watchmen.

If these selections are too cerebral for you, then there's always Dr. Seuss, Goosebumps, and Captain Underpants. Hey, ya gotta start somewhere. The first book I ever learned to read was a knock knock joke book. Not exactly War and Peace.

Once you have your books, next you'll need your bookcase. The more shelves you have, the better. Five or six ought to do, especially if you end up becoming an avid reader. Put the bookcase together, place your books on the shelves, and viola.

Here's what the finished project should look like.