BILLY MAYS

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IS THERE ANYBODY MORE FUCKING TRUSTWORTHY THAN A GODDAMN BOY SCOUT?!?!? FUCK NO! THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME WHEN I SAY "BUY NOW!!", MOTHERFUCKER! BUY NOW!!

HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME TO DO YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 EASY PAYMENTS OF $1,295.31 $0! OFFER ONLY AVAILABLE IN HEAVEN!

WHO THE HELL AM I?

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FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN LIES, THE SO-CALLED-EXPERTS AT WIKIPEDIA HAVE AN ARTICLE ABOUT BILLY MAYS.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ON YOUR TELEVISION SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS AT 2AM, THEN YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN SOME KIND OF GODDAMN CAVE!! BILLY MAYS, WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY LOUD AND HAIRY SELF, IS A FUCKING MARKETING GENIUS!! ONLY YESTERDAY I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER IDEA AFTER LISTENING TO MYSELF YELLING! WHAT IF... MY OBNOXIOUS SCREAMING WAS PUT INTO A JAR AND SHOVED UP EVERY ACTOR'S ASS ON THE TV SHOW HOME IMPROVEMENT?! IT'D BE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TALKING THEY DO ON THE SHOW AND THEREFORE TWICE THE ENTERTAINMENT!! AM I THE BOMB OR WHAT?!?! EVERY TIME I TALK, I SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!

WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!!

BILLY MAYS: YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! BUY FUCKING RIGHT NOW!!!

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF: WHY BUY BILLY MAYS WHEN YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER, MORE QUIET SPOKESMAN?! I CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS WITH A FRESH CLEAN SCENT, WITHOUT AMMONIA AND WITHOUT BLEACH! WATCH THIS! WATCH AS I SAND DOWN THIS VERY EXPENSIVE WOOD FLOOR WITH MY BEARD WHILE APPLYING A CLEANING SOLVENT AND TALKING! THE WOOD DRIES OUT! I ALSO HAVE A LOUD VOICE THAT CAN EXPLODE HEADS! NO OTHER SPOKESPERSON SPEAKS THIS FUCKING LOUD! YOU WILL ALSO NOTICE THAT I AM VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A SPOKESPERSON AND THAT IS GOOD!

I CAN FUCKING CLEAN TILES!

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YOU BET YOUR ASS I CLEAN TILES! I BET YOU CAN'T CLEAN TILES! KABOOM! AND I SPRAY KABOOM® ON THE TILE! IT'S NOT THE PRODUCT THAT ACTUALLY CLEANS THE TILE! IT'S MY EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE! THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOUND WAVES FROM MY VOICE OBLITERATE THE DIRT FROM THE TILE ON IMPACT! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY! WATCH AS I SPIN A SHIRT IN A BOWL! WATCH AS I STICK A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A DANGEROUSLY FLIMSY HOOK STUCK IN THE WALL! WATCH AS I FUCKING CLEAN ANOTHER TILE! I'M FUCKING AMAZING! I FUCKING BLEW MY HEAD OFF ONCE BECAUSE I SHOUTED SO DAMN LOUD!

FRESH CLEAN SCENT!

OTHER SPOKESMEN HAVE HARSH FUMES! BILLY MAYS DOESN'T! I HAVE A FRESH CLEAN BEARD SCENT! DOES YOUR SPOKESMAN HAVE THE FRESH CLEAN SCENT OF BEARD?! I THINK NOT!

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME!

YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME USE THIS!
I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO MAKE HEADS EXPLODE!!

I WAS BORN ON JULY 20, 1958 IN McKEES ROCKS, PENNSYLVANIA, WHEREVER THAT IS! FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE I TOOK AN INTEREST IN YELLING LOUDLY AND SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS! LOOK AT THIS!

  • I GAVE MY GRANDFATHER A SERIES OF STROKES WHEN I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD!! I CAME INTO HIS ROOM AND INTERRUPTED HIS SLEEP FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS WHILE TRYING TO SELL HIM VARIOUS USED CLEANING SUPPLIES I FOUND UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK! IT WORKED!! HE WAS SO DISORIENTED BY MY SCREAMING THAT HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING!! HE ALSO WENT DEAF TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!!
  • MY DAD'S A CARPENTER AND HE WAS IN THE GARAGE WORKING A WOODEN TABLE LEG ON THE LATHE WHEN I TOLD HIM "WOOD DRIES OUT DAD! BUY SOME OF THIS ORANGE SCENTED SLURRY I FOUND AT GOODWILL FOR ONLY $2.99*, THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY $2.99!*" HE BECAME STARTLED BY MY LOUD VOICE AND INSTANTLY DISLOCATED HIS ARM IN THE LATHE! I THREW THAT ORANGE CRAP AT THE MACHINE AND KABOOM! AT JUST SEVEN YEARS OLD I HAD INVENTED THE PROTECTIVE COATING NOW CALLED ORANGE GLO!
  • WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD I SAW MY MOTHER DOING THE LAUNDRY, SO I WALKED UP BEHIND HER AND YELLED "WATCH THIS MA!", CAUSING HER TO DUMP A BUNCH OF BLEACH INTO OUR COLORED TOWELS, MAKING THEM ALL SHINY WHITE!! THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA!! WHY NOT BLEACH THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING WITH A PRODUCT CALLED OXI-WHITE!!
  • MY ARCH ENEMY IS THE SHAM-WOW GUY!
  • I ONCE IMPALED MY CAT WITH HERCULES HOOKSTM!!! 150 POUNDS OF FUCKING PRESSURE AND IT STILL HELD UP!!!!!

*PLUS $7.99 S&H

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS TALKING!!!

BUY TODAY

...AND I'LL INCLUDE THE AMAZING BILLY MAYS ACTION HERO! THE KIDS LOVE IT!! HELP ME FIGHT THE EVIL SHAM-WOW GUY!! BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! YOU'LL ALSO RECEIVE A HUGE-ASS BOTTLE OF BLEACH TO SPRAY AND DRINK RIGHT AFTER YOU SEE MY COMMERCIAL!! FOR FREE!!! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I WON'T BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A WINE GLASS IN A MEMOREX COMMERCIAL! SAVE YOURSELF AND CALL RIGHT NOW!! A TRAINED OPERATOR (ME) IS STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDER! CALL TODAY AND BUY ME FOR YOUR COMMERCIAL! IS IT LIVE OR IS IT MEMOREX??? WHO FUCKING CARES!?!?!?!

*I AM NOW AVAILABLE IN THOSE FUCKING ANNOYING AS SEEN ON TV STORES AT THE MALL! BUY ME!! ACT NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED! I AM AVAILABLE IN THREE DIFFERENT COLORS AND SCENTS! BUY TODAY!!!

ALSO BUY THE BIG CITY SLIDER STATION! COOK DELICIOUS MINI-BURGERS, STACK 'EM, AND WATCH YOUR FAMILY ATTACK 'EM!

MIGHTY PUTTY™!! YOU CAN PUT YOUR HAND UNDER A PIECE OF CONCRETE SUSPENDED BY MIGHTY PUTTY! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! IT HAS NO RELEVANCE, BUT IT LOOKS IMPORTANT!

SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME

BEETHOVEN HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT ME!


LARRY KING SAID THIS ABOUT ME AFTER AN INTERVIEW!


A CUSTOMER FROM FLORIDA SAID THIS ABOUT ME!


YES I HAVE FANS! ONE OF THEM SAID THIS ABOUT ME!


CHECK OUT THIS INPUT FROM CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!


AND HERE'S ONE FROM CAPTAIN UNDERSTATEMENT!


THERE'S MORE! I HAVE ONE FROM CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!


BUT I'M NOT DONE YET

I AM ALSO EXPANDING MY BUSINESS INTO SELLING SELF-HELP DVDs TITLED "HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF" AND "BE HEARD!!!!" I AM NOW OFFERING THESE VIDEOS FOR FREE TO ALL CUSTOMERS WHO SPEND AT LEAST $100 ON MY CLEANING PRODUCTS. ESSENTIALLY, THIS DVD CAN BE PLAYED CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY! THE DVD ALSO CONTAINS TWO BONUS FEATURES: THE DOCUMENTARY BILLY MAYS: HOW I BECAME LOUD AND WEALTHY AND DOZENS OF FULL LENGTH COMMERCIALS OF NONE OTHER THAN ME CLEANING!!! WOW HOW MUCH FUN IS THAT!?! WATCH AT YOUR LEISURE!!!!!!!! JUST IMAGINE MY SMILING YET OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD AND BEARDED FACE TALKING CONTINUOUSLY WHILE YOU LADIES ARE AT HOME CLEANING!!

BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A HINT AND SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M STILL NOT DONE!! I'M NOW OFFERING ONE VERY LUCKY CUSTOMER A CHANCE TO MEET ME IN PERSON!! I WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE IN A LARGE AND VERY CLEAN WHITE VAN LOADED WITH MY WORLD FAMOUS CLEANING PRODUCTS!! I WILL THEN BURST INTO YOUR HOME AND CLEAN EVERY GOD DAMNED THING IN MY LINE OF FIRE!!! FOR FREE!!! IMAGINE THAT!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY!! I AM ONLY HOLDING THIS SPECIAL OFFER DURING THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!

THIS ARTICLE IS DEDICATED TO THE FUCKING MEMORY OF MY SON OF A BITCH YOUNGER BROTHER, TOURETTE'S GUY!!!! AND REMEMBER, FUCK THAT PALMOLIVE SHIT! BUY MY SHIT OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SCREAM AT YOUR FACE UNTIL IT FALLS OFF AND DROPS INTO A BUCKET OF KABOOM!!!!

I SUFFERED A COCAINE INDUCED HEART ATTACK!

EVEN IN DEATH, I WILL LIVE ON THROUGH MY EVER-PRESENT COMMERCIALS! YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME, BILLY MAYS!!

BUT DO YOU THINK THAT CAN STOP ME?! FUCK NO!!

HI! BILLY MAYS HERE IN THE WORLD OF THE DEAD TO PRESENT YOU WITH HEAVEN! LIVED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE? THEN HEAVEN IS FOR YOU! IT'S ROOMY, AND YOU CAN SOCIALIZE WITH BILLIONS UPON BILLIONS OF DEAD PEOPLE, INCLUDING ME, BILLY MAYS!! YOU GET IT ALL – THE DEATH, THE AFTERLIFE, AND EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PITCHMAN – FOR ONLY $19.99! I'LL ALSO INCLUDE TWO STICKS OF SUICIDE PUTTY! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ME? USE SUICIDE PUTTY TO KILL YOURSELF AND GET TO HEAVEN IN HALF THE TIME!!!

BUT THAT'S STILL NOT ALL!!!

CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL SEND YOU A 50 PIECE SET OF HERCULES HOOKS, VALUED AT $750, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! JUST PAY SHIPPING AND HANDLING OF MY CASKET, CONTAINING ME, BILLY MAYS!!

HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

call 1-(300)-USHUTUP! That's 1-(300)-874-4887. Operators are standing by.

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