Cillit Bang
“The best bang since the big one!”
“This is poetry, human emotion and love in liquid form.”
Cillit Bang is a popular soft drink sold to children in Europe and Australia, in a form called Easyoff Bam. It is famous for its teeth-cleaning properties, as well as its abilities to extend one's lifetime by many years. Old age pensioners are often arrested by a policeman for their illegal hoarding of the product and many are awaiting trial for their crimes.
The drink was tested by gullible American children who were tricked into thinking the drink was actually a Grime and Lime Cleaner. Surprisingly, the children took a liking to the drink and the product was immediately advertised and sent off to the shops to be sold.
Interestingly it is known as Easy-off Bam in the US, mostly because Americans like more logical names for something that can clean a penny. Dan Golen, Barry Scott’s Identical twin used to host adverts for Easy-off Bam regularly, until he got shoved off the boat by Pythagoras after he couldn’t find the square root of two. He has been replaced by Barry Scott himself.
Barry Scott[edit | edit source]
Barry Scott (born 1964 Copenhagen) is the mentally unhinged leader of the Barry Scott cult and state registered badger painter. Scott believes he invented Cillit Bang and is very proud of this, however Sir Rod Stewart later claimed it was infact him.
He lives in Cranham where people regularly knock on his door screaming "BANG! AND THE DIRT IS GONE!" to his face. He loves baked beans and endorses them wholeheartedly on his official website where he demonstrates the virtues of lighting his farts generated by bean bodygas.
He is currently dating Jill from his advert and they are very happy in the land of Care Bears and such. His favourite TV show is Funhouse because it's "outrageous". His best friend is the guy From The E Sure adverts, Michael Winner, who permanently lives inside television advertising, trying to convince others to accept that the world is "a wild(e), crazy, coked-up Commercial".
Barry enjoys long walks on the beach with his pet dog 'Capital Queen'. He also likes to scream "BANG! AND THE DIRT IS GONE!" in Asda. In 2015 Scott was arrested for drunken behaviour in Tesco after shouting “BANG AND THE BASTARD DIRT IS FUCKING GONE YOU WANKERS”
Scott advocates the Chinese art of penis cleansing using Cillit Bang once a week - during an interview with the Sunday Times Scott explained “Just spray your Todger with Cillit Bang once-a-week making sure you get it right under the foreskin and japs eye, leave for one hour, then rinse, and you will have the cleanest, shiniest knob guaranteed to get you blow jobs”
Scott also acts as a puppet to Willy Wonka and sells Cillit Bang to underaged kids. Barry Scott’s wife, Saddam Hussein, revealed his addiction to dipping pennies into unknown substances and left him with their illegitimate child, Steven Segal. Segal grew up hooked on the stuff. Scott likes to spend his evenings playing Star Wars with his Darth Vader helmet, which he stole from Argos. His does this because his real name is actuallly Neil Burgess, but Barry wants to escape from real life and his child beating maniac of a wife, Jill.
History[edit | edit source]
Cillit Bang was accidentally invented by Adolf Hitler in his Nazi laboratories, while trying to find a substitute for milk. After realising its sheer destructive power (when it dissolved his bowl of cornflakes) he went on a killing spree to feed his hatred of the Jewish people, a trait shared by many scientists (including Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking). This of course was covered up by the media and the general view held today is that there was some sort of holocaust. I don't know. Look it up. After his release from a holding cell in the local police station Hitler set about promoting his new weapon of mass dissolvation. He tried several slogans, including 'What a Feeling!' and 'Have a Break, Have some Cillit Bang.' He then found and stuck with the slogan we all know and love to this day, which is of course 'BANG - and the Jews are gone.' Hitler died under suspicious circumstances and his youngest son, Christopher Reeve, took the business as his own, and claims to have "invented" the stuff himself.
Cillit Bang was briefly banned in the United States between 2001 and 2002, which led to a sharp increase in organized crime as 'Bang Barons' began smuggling the drink into towns and cities, and led to the unfreezing of Al Capone's fourth clone, who is currently terrorizing Chicago with his various rackets, and other sports equipment.
Barry Scott molested lunarsandwich at least 100 years ago. Barry Scott is the only human known at this time to be impervious to the effects of Cillit Bang. Some say he even guzzles it down in public areas and then laughs as children and adults alike copy him. The effects are devastating.
Where did it come from?[edit | edit source]
It was discovered quite accidentally in the midst of the night by the deceased superhero Christopher Reeve (who was indeed Barry Scott's great grandfather) while he was experimenting on his children with phosphoric acid while trying to invent AIDS, which sadly he never achieved.
Where did it go?[edit | edit source]
Before he died, Reeve developed a degenerative disease while filming the ninth series of Doctor Who and shocked his son by licensing the product to the Prince of Wales, who has lived in a shallow pool beneath a volcano ever since, occasionally making public appearances to show off his seahorse, Camilla.
Where did it come from?[edit | edit source]
In his posthumous memoirs, Zombie Reeve claimed that he had just been an instrument of "Almighty Allah" on the fateful night that Cillit Bang was born, and that, as such, he deserved no credit for the miracle product. Critics were quick to point out that Reeve had had no qualms about accepting the vast sums of cash, the comfortable lifestyle and the state-of-the-art wheelchair that came with being the head of the Cillit Bang empire.
Cotton Eye Joe[edit | edit source]
Unknown to many back in ancient Russia, it caused Archimedes to scream "Good As New" when he placed the product in his eyes: this was years before he got in a hot bath and screamed "Eureka", which is Greek for "Shit! this water's hot"
Retail[edit | edit source]
Cillit Bang is manufactured for the Prince of Wales by Willy Wonka and sold only to children under the age of 13, and people with repetitive strain injuries. It is sold in two flavours, the first is known as Waquila, produced fairly simply by mixing 82% phosphoric acid with 17% animal semen and a single percent of dust, the second retails as Cartelothsk in the UK, but as Mattel-Sloth in mainland Europe, and is a straightforward mixture of phosphoric acid and phenylalanine, which leaves a sharp tang on the tongue and is currently the most popular flavour.
Its secret formula[edit | edit source]
Many an attempt has been made by competing soft drink companies to ferret out the formula, literally. In a bid to get the secret formula Coca Cola bigwig Eric Cartman unleashed an 18-wheel truckload of ferrets at Cillit Bang's HQ (located in Wonka's garden).
Competitor Pepsico is of a different mind: they've tried to reverse-engineer the formula using Bill Clinton's ultra-sensitive tastebuds. Internal memos suggest that Cillit Bang tastes as good as it does because of its active oxygen replacement for the mundane carbonation process they use themselves. Time will tell if they're right.
Sonic Boom, invented by Ronald McDonald as a substitute to mayonnaise and a way of hypnotising small children, was stopped by a group of forest-dwelling clowns in the Early 1990s. Ronald is now on a mine in Guam with Grandpa Simpson.
In a recent turn of events, Persil, Dazz, Aerial and Calgon made a scheme to kidnap Barry Scott and "bleach" the formula out of him. Things went horribly wrong after they accidentally bagged Michael Jackson instead and these companies were never seen again. It is thought that this is what really made Jackson turn white.
It has been said that the secret formula contains Gene Simmons' tears, William Shatner's charm, Kermit the Frog's angst and Mr.T's pity.
Clit Bang[edit | edit source]
Clit Bang was created as a special cleaner for lady parts prior to oral sex. However, it never really caught on, largely due to its corrosive action and unpleasant aftertaste.