Ballyhooly
| aka The bog | |
 | |
| GENERAL INFORMATION | |
|---|---|
| motto | One up the bum, no harm done. |
| anthem | The seed of my brother |
| GEOGRAPHY | |
| county | Co. Cork |
| country | Ireland |
| altitude | 2000m |
| DEMOGRAPHICS | |
| population | 20 |
| ethnic groups | Irish, Polish, French, Hispanic |
“Where am ?”
“I wish I was dead.”
“I like my sister.”
Ballyhooly is a little town in the north of Cork which has the notable distinction of being the first settlement in Ireland. In 0923 AD a small group of Africans set sail from Nigeria to find a wetter and not so hot place to live and discovered Ballyhooly.
History[edit | edit source]
The small group of 21 people set sail on 5 "curracks" to find a place that was free and where they could live without fear of oppression. Africa was then run by a rootless dictator called Barricus Ahern.
This group landed in England and were all shot.
Shortly afterwards another group left Nigeria and sailed up the west coast of Ireland. They landed in Galway. Due to the fact that it was a complete waste land and devoid of life they moved on and continued south.
The next stop was Limerick. On the first night the group set up camp and ate. They then went out to hunt and 5 were stabbed despite the group being the only people on the entire Island. The next day, when they returned to the site of the stabbing, all they found was a can of stella, a used condom and some 'hoopy' earrings.
A large argument then broke out in the group and 5 of them split off and wandered around Ireland for the next 10 years before returning to Galway and setting up a fast food outlet on the only piece of dry land in a ten mile radius. They named it 'Supermacs'.
Traveling southwards they landed in what is now known as Fermoy. Due to the men having feelings of homosexuality whenever they entered the area they decided to move six miles down the road.
Settling down in what is now Known as Ballyhooly the group divided up and formed rudimentary families. Trying to leave their roots behind they felt ashamed of their skin colour and so bleached their skin. This resulted in the pasty skin colour now associated with the Irish people. The freckles are a result of being sprayed with cow shit for generations. Nobody knows where the red hair comes from.
Naming The Village[edit | edit source]
The literal translation of Ballyhooly is 'The ford of the apples'. When the new settlers arrived the first great sight they saw was a beautiful apple grove by a ford in the river. As this was the most beautiful sight they had ever seen they decided to name the village after it. The group then decided to build houses. The nearest forest was 5 minutes away, and so, due to laziness, they decided to cut down the apple grove for lumber for their houses so as to avoid traveling. Once this was done they decided they didn't want to live there so moved down the road, leaving the lumber.
This tradition of not really thinking about what you are doing has become the bed rock tradition of Irish planning. Groups were set up to perfect this lack of foresight. They are known as County Councils.
The Settlers[edit | edit source]
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The families that were set up named themselves; Doolings ( named after a butt plug used by the English homosexuals of the time), Mc Farthy's (named after a type of tumor (literal translation: cock faced thieves ( due to the shape of the tumor)). And of course the Commels (Nobody remembers what they were named after because the family has always been so boring. They have passed this boringness from generation to generation and have now perfected it)
These three families have become famous for the traites that they have spent generations perfecting. The Commels are very very very boring and cannot be remembered after a meeting with them. The only reason i know they exist is that i've tatooed messages about them all over my body. Like that film Memento, great film. They could have used this for many occupations: Assassins or con artists. But the Commels were cursed with a very very low IQ.
The Doolings were gifted with the ability to pick on people who were smaller or weaker than them. They usually cause fights when they are in big groups but are as nice as pie when alone. They are renowned for their ability to get out of doing anything and being able to coast on any small achievement for large amount of times.
The Mc Farthy's have developed into very good thieves and liars. Although everyone knows not to trust them, nobody knows why. They are that good. They use the art of distraction to steal from people. One of their better ones is the "LOOK OVER THERE. IT'S THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP" technique. They will then steal what ever they can while you are distracted. They tend to target anyone called Commel as a low IQ helps the 'grift'.
A O'Farthy woman.
The effect on a normal person after years of crack abuse.
These families have survived by inbreeding. Any of the family members you meet with these names are directly related to the first Irish settlers. And i mean directly.
The Village[edit | edit source]
Shortly after settling in Ballyhooly the group set up a committee and decided that drink was good and work was bad. They also decided to build a church. This church was built on a budget of IR£15. They brought in some Polish builders to do the job. These builders did a very good job despite the low budget and the treatment by the bigoted inhabitants of the village.
Next up was 3 pubs, all on one junction. These were built from the bodies of the Polish workers that the inhabitants decided they didn't want to pay. These 3 buildings were erected despite the fact that alcohol was not discovered for 100 years. But the inhabitants knew something good was coming and were well ahead of the game.
The school was erected to fool the school inspector. Whenever an inspection was announced the children (and adults) would fill the classes for the inspection. Other than this it is never used and stands empty.
Ballyhooly And The Crack (Cocaine)[edit | edit source]
In 1657, while brewing a sweet tasting bitter, James O'Doobling created Crack Cocaine. After trying it a few times he realized that his skin was getting darker and that he was no longer sexually attracted to his family members. Crack Cocaine has almost the opposite effect on The inhabitants of Ballyhooly as on any other person.
From this..
..to this.
These effects went against the founding principles of Ballyhooly and the recipe was put in a bottle and thrown in the ocean where it was discovered about 400 years later by Whitney.
Lore[edit | edit source]
The village is said to be haunted by the ghost of a beautiful woman.
Historians believe that a new family arrived in the 1800's. They were honest, beautiful and intelligent. So clearly the inhabitants of Ballyhooly decided that they must die. Many of the inhabitants still believe that the ghost of Lucy Bannister still walks the streets at night. But it has recently been proved that it's just the local hooker.
It is also said that if you leave a wallet on the ground and turn your back it will disappear. This is said to be true of most things that aren't nailed down in Ballyhooly. This is known as the 'melane' effect.
Little Known Facts About Ballyhooly[edit | edit source]
- The suicide rate in Ballyhooly is currently at 100%.
- Ballyhooly has no centre.
- Ballyhooly has no females. Just men with vaginas.
- If you travel in a straight line in Ballyhooly you will eventually leave. Which is considered a good thing in most circles.
- Travelers look down on the inhabitants of Ballyhooly and consider them dirty.
- The IQ in Ballyhooly is 190. That's the combined IQ, not the average.
- Magnets do not work in Ballyhooly.
- Mice are afraid of Ballyhooly.