Bad things have happened recently
Bad things have happened recently in the last hour somewhere close to you. Worse things occured in the whole centre of the biggest city you know. Unimaginable things simultaneously took place in the cities suburban areas, rural areas, rivers and factories. Don't think they didn't happen, because they did. Most regions on Earth are affected and by "most" we mean "all". Institutions and landmarks have gone amok including prisons, kindergartens and pay phones. Stay clear of lawn bowling fields, textile factories and experimental art studios as sources say they are the ground zero of especially horrible atrocities. It is all simply dire and the zones most affected are the safest ones. It goes without saying that any location anywhere is a location of bedlam at a time when it is the worst time for awful things to happen.
Nasty things went on in over one hundred different subway lines across the globe, both underground and above ground. Bad things happened in the air, that is, bad things happened to good people who were airborne. These occurrences are all alarmingly pandemic. Your home and workplace are not immune to it. Steer clear of streets, alleys, cars, public spaces, private spaces, badly lit zones, well lit zones, shop entrances, airport charity fountains and especially any place where bad things will happen which is in fact any place you could possibly think of. Underground tunnels are black spots where very very very extremely bad things will occur.
Awful things of biblical proportions happened the day before the day before yesterday. The day after that saw some rough stuff. The bad things that happened today, however, were the worst of the worst so far and the pandemonium is steadily increasing.
The city has been in a state of dark-red alert which is a "state of extreme possibility of potential disaster" level. The city council has upgraded the alert level to very-ultra-dark-red-emergency-alert which is a "super seriously severe imminent danger of apocalyptic disaster maybe-coming-soon" level (the second highest warning alert level). The highest level is only issued when any hope of survival is futile (Black alert), this alert level is expected anytime soon.
Rumours of shockingly bad things happening have been verified as actual rumours. These rumours are not false. These rumours of bad things are things that will occur as soon as you finish reading this. There you go, see, a bad thing just happened somewhere.
Our bad event detector has registered an A- on its bad event scale which is considered desperately bad. Citizens should be very concerned and expect the worst if not something imminently catastrophic.
Bad things happened recently to your family. Some of your cousins cannot find a parking spot. Your closest loved ones have high blood pressure and are continuing to eat salty food. Your family is doomed.
Don't blink your eyes. The result will be cripplingly destructive beyond imagination. Try not to breathe. It's better you don't breathe so that bad things stop being quite so bad.
Now that you know all of this, be prepared for bad things and when don't happen look for bad things until things get bad. Not finding bad things is a bigger mistake then waiting for them. The choice is yours but in any case if you aren't in hysterical panic...you should panic hysterically.
Nothing tragic has happened for five minutes. That means a whopper is coming. And that ... is bad if bad means anything. Send a text message to everyone and give them your love. Don't forget to put 'xox' at the end. Don't forget to hit send. Now close your eyes and brace. BRACE. BRACE!!!!
This article documents a current event. Misinformation may change rapidly. Use frequent updates to ensure that it remains as uninformed and unhelpful as possible.