Bad Mike Tyson
“I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children!”
Mike Tyson aka Abdul bin Salim Mohammed is a notoriously bad negro with a chip on his shoulder that even overshadows the grudge between his ears. Conceived orally out of wedlock to Cus D'amato, and seasoned in the ghettos and kiddie-prisons, he nearly extinguished himself by becoming the World Superweight Boxing Champion in all 27 different Boxing Councils, including the IBF, WBC, IGAA (Inter Galactic Athletic Association), Shaolin Quan, Supreme Ultimate Boxing Federation, Ring Magazine, and even Hollywood's Fight Club, where he threatened to beat Brad Pitt into a mangled pulp.
During his short but stout career he demolished some choice chumps – including a token Honky[1] – racking up a string of knockouts to rival Jack Dempsey. After winning and unifying all the multitude of world titles he successfully defended his championship nine times before his weakness was discovered. During the height of his "reign of terror" Tyson's handlers alternately kept him suppressed between fights with elephant tranquilizers, which they would withhold and substitute with nitroglycerin and cocaine during his bouts.
His best fights were against some big bloods, most notably former champ Larry Holmes, who looked startled when he should have looked at Tyson, and especially his final shock defeat at the hands of nillion-to-1 underdog, Buster Douglas, who was the first boxer to ever throw a punch at Tyson. The famed "Douglas Punch" knocked Tyson out cold and cost him all his championship belts. Tyson later regained consciousness after three months and claimed to have taken a dive to please his investment-banker, Sir Don, King of Kleptopolis. But with the glass-jaw exposed Tyson's real career in people-shredding was effectively over. Everyone and their uncle knew that the best defense against Tyson was any offense.
“Everybody said he was invincible and nobody never even threw a single punch at him.
So I thought, ‘go-on, man, take a poke!’ And sure ’nough he was out cold.”
With nothing to do Tyson began to terrorize the planet, manifesting his Bad Nigger Attitude for exactly that. After losing a string of exhibition bouts along with all his money he became a born-again jail bird, and finally a tongue-tied comedian and voice coach who's most acclaimed for a Jimmy Kimmel skit of him teaching George Dubya Bush how to speak English. In other words: Tyson went from being the "baddest man on the planet" to being a pathetic clown whose funniest joke is himself.
To be totally spiteful – in line with Uncyclopedia's strict NPOV policy – this article opines that Tyson's violent life and dick headed style are so perturbing that we will only give his story in outline form below. That way you can get this grotesque article over with as fast as humanly possible.[2]
History
Youth
Unfortunately.
Reform school
Fortunately.
Graduates from reform school
Unfortunately.
Boxing career
Wins Golden Gloves
Fortunately.
Misses Olympics
Unfortunately.
Turns pro
Fortunately.
Joins King Don
Unfortunately.
Wins superweight title
Fortunately.
Kicks out trainer Kevin Rooney
Unfortunately.
Defends superweight title nine times
Fortunately.
Loses all his titles to nobody Buster Douglas
Unfortunately.
Tyson v/s Douglas: See Tyson take the first punch ever in his career.
Personal life
Marries Robin Givens
Fortunately.
Rapes some hot bitch who has enough balls to admit it
Unfortunately.
Goes to prison
Fortunately.
Has Mr. T as a cellmate
Unfortunately.
Loses the baddest years of his career
Fortunately.
Finds Allah in Jail
Unfortunately.
Divorces Robin Givens
Fortunately.
Gets spider web tattoo
Unfortunately.
Earns $300,000,000 in endorsements
Fortunately.
Gives all his money to King Don and a litany of bitches
Unfortunately.
Retires in humiliation
Fortunately.
Takes up career in self-ridicule
Unfortunately.
Conclusion
This article is almost over
Fortunately.
Mike Tyson is still loose
Unfortunately.
He has no idea who you are
Fortunately.
Also see
References
- ↑ just to give the impression that he could spell the word racism
- ↑ Don't get the wrong idea. Uncyclopedia actually adores Mike Tyson. Read his article here.