Anthrax
“What is i-”
“CAUGHT-- IN A MOSH!!!”
“How do you think I killed all those Mexicans?”
“Love will get you like a case of anthrax and that's something I don't wanna catch.”
“I didn't do it”
Anthrax is the most important food group. Anthrax contains more vitamins and minerals than any other substance on the entire planet. Anthrax tastes like Unicorn giggles, Butterfly love and a basket full of puppies ( I sometimes call it harmless happy powder) ; and it is the only food that will make you fly when you eat it. Anthrax, more commonly known as "Ambrosia" or "that stuff that tastes SO GOOD", builds muscle mass exponentially. Anthrax is the only true brain food. Tests have been done that have proven that Anthrax is the only food that will make you able to breathe fire that smells minty and fresh. Anthrax is the only food that comes in a convenient powder form that you can inhale and enjoy.
History[edit | edit source]
Waaay back in 500 B.C. the Spartans discovered the perfect food, which they harvested from the corpses of their enemies. This was the earliest form of Anthrax, a compound formed from the blood of mortal enemies and Unicorn giggles. When ingested, this Anthrax gave the Spartans super powers and made them the most powerful fighters in the history of the world. They once defeated 250,000 Persians with only 300 Spartans, because they could breathe fire and fly over their enemies. To this day, the Spartans are regarded as the biggest bad-asses ever to grace this earth.
Later, in the time of Merlin, the only person who knew how to make Anthrax was Merlin. It was because of this that he became known as a wizard for his frequent fire breathing, flying, and minty fresh breath (In that time no one but wizards knew about dental hygiene). He would have taken the secret to his grave, but Arthur took it from him and became the first king ever. Arthur is regarded as the best king ever too.
By the 1800s, almost nobody knew about Anthrax. Napoleon took it and singlehandedly killed thousands of Germans; Andrew Jackson was a frequent user, and he used his new-found powers to destroy the Indian nations, much to their dismay. In retaliation, the Indian chief Crazy Horse took tons of Anthrax and then split Dakota right down the middle into North and South Dakota.
Now, at the dawn of the information age, when everybody knows everything, almost nobody knows about Anthrax! So go out and find yourself some today, and become the most awesome person your town has ever seen! Guaranteed! (Oh shit, son!)
General[edit | edit source]
Anthrax makes its user invincible, like Hercules and Ares. That's pretty cool. It also makes the user able to control time and lift objects with their mind. When women use Anthrax, they turn into lesbians, because Anthrax is the manliest substance in the history of the Universe. When God created Anthrax and gave it to Adam, Adam accidentally punched God out. When Bruce Lee took one microgram of Anthrax, he killed Chuck Norris, because he was sick of Norris' shit.
These days, Anthrax is made in particle accelerators where they collide photons and badassitons into each other at nearly light speed. When they've done that, they kick the Anthrax around until it kicks back. Then they mix in ground-up pixies and Macs until it looks like Moses threw up his God-given powers all over your sofa. That phase complete, they tie it to a monster truck and run it into things, like trains and babies.
Anthrax is now used by Las Vegas gamblers to win every slot machine every time, and by soccer teams to be able to run all day long. Sometimes astronauts use it when they go into space so that their muscles don't atrophy. When Frank Miller took Anthrax he came up with Marv, who is basically Anthrax put into a human form. When the world ends, it will be because somebody took too much Anthrax and head-butted the Earth to death. This actually could happen, with enough Anthrax. And it will.
The sun runs on an Anthrax reaction. Nuclear bombs do too.
Warning[edit | edit source]
The above article is mostly, if not completely, a terrible lie. I'm actually kind of worried that the government is gonna come to my house because some idiot took Anthrax on the recommendation of this article and died really hard. That would suck for me. So, in the future, do not snort huge piles of white dust. Because it might be Anthrax. And that's how the Pharaohs died, snorting piles of Anthrax. Idiots.
Anthrax is poisonously yummy!
Thraxography[edit | edit source]
Yes, there have been albums known to promote this so-very-important food group.
- Ear-rape of Bullshit (1984)
- Spreading The Diet (1985)
- Among The Dead (1987)
- HOLY SHIT! I'M A WOMAN!!! (EP) (1987)
- EVERYTHING'S SO FUCKING WONDERFUL (1988)
- Educational Album For Children: How To Tell The Time (1990)
- We're Really Scared Of Bees (1992)
- Sound Of A Terrible New Singer (1993)
- Katamari Damacy (1995)
- Volume 8: The Threat Becomes Real In 3 Years (1998)
- Return Of The Killer AIDS (1999)
- We've Come For The Money You Won't Spend On Our Albums (2003)
- Worship Anything But This (2011)