UnNews:Tesco deny horse-burgers had mad horse disease

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17 January 2013

The news was initially broken by a packaging error.

HULL, United Kingdom -- British supermarket giant Tesco has denied that its burgers, recently revealed to contain horseflesh, actually contain meat contaminated with the newly discovered Mad Horse Disease.

British Prime Minister David Cameron had already criticised the chain, saying, "It's bad enough that hamburgers don't have ham in them. I always found that confusing. Although I suppose cheeseburgers are not just made of cheese.... Anyway, this is a country of animal lovers, and I think I speak for all of Britain when I say that, when we order a beef burger, we want to be eating Daisy, not Mr Ed."

The scandal has already wiped £300m off the value of Tesco's shares, but the latest news, that the horsemeat in question might not even be healthy, could be even more damaging.

Dr Joanna Corey, equine specialist at the London School of Medicine, explained: "Eating regular horsemeat should not cause a problem, and some participants in our studies have even reported beneficial effects, such as increased running speed, improved jumping ability, and an extended penis. Mad Horse Disease, however, will cause the consumer to die painfully. Symptoms include frenzied neighing and braying in the first stage, leading to bucking, weaving, biting, and kicking. In the end, their family members are forced to break their legs, in which case a vet will be legally obliged to put them down."

The news is another blow for British meat industry, just two decades after Mad Cow Disease, and many experts are predicting long-lasting damage to the Tesco brand. One source from the supermarket told us: "It is a bit of a disaster, but we've hedged our bets. If it turns out that the meat is infected, we should be able to make a profit: we've just bought the world's biggest stack of hay."