Portal:Religion

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Religion portal By far the holiest portal you will ever find. CATEGORIES:  Category:Atheism - Category:Christianity - Hinduism - Category:Islam - Category:Judaism - Category:God - Category:Gods - Category:Goddesses - Category:Magic - Category:Mythology - Religious Leaders - All...

Religion is the act of worshipping a creed or deity in which one has mistakenly attributed supernatural powers. 'True Believers' are also known as schizophrenic or having a neurological disorder in scientific, medical, or sane circles. It was invented by tribal leaders at least 2 million years ago in order to control and financially exploit the citizenry and in the Western proper World was still going strong until the separation of Church and State. In the 3rd or improper World it's business as usual. Typically god is portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, but there are some variations.

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The Ark of the Covenant is a moderate sized piece of Acacia wood furniture, referred to in the Bible. It's basically a large, ornate storage box which employed the use of two poles in order to carry it - allowing the Israelites to haul Moses, Aaron and God's stuff wherever they wandered. Chariots had been invented by 3000 BC, so it's kind of silly that a couple of wheels weren't employed in its design. After being chased out of Egypt by chariots filled with Pharaoh's bill collectors, the Israelites had no excuse for not employing the invention of the wheel but experts believe it was just another example of God wanting things done the hard way - as usual.…

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Article credit: DrStrange

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The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in 2006.

The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross.…

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"Yeah, dat's me, Fadda Murphy. Check out my prince duds and Jew cap." Nominate stuff Image credit: UtarEmpire Image archive

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Quote of the Week

“To think I kissed her (or him) there--and there--and there!”

— Sarah Michelle Gellar on Baphomet.

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Highlighted News

EARTH, Sol System -- The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.

"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest'..."…

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More Religious News

The Pope Finally Came!

• Elsuive Duckist killing Sheep release statement

• National Day of Prayer ruined by godless protestors

• Ireland Bans Clerical Child Sex Abuse

• Seals of the Apocalypse discovered

• Latest Bible sequel sales disappointment

• Godless Europeans blast US technological dominance

• Meditating monks accused of sleeping on the job

• Former Primate of Utrecht Thomas Gibbon resigns in disgrace

• Haggard still "fabulous!"

• Ireland Bans Clerical Child Sex Abuse

• Former Primate of Utrecht Thomas Gibbon resigns in disgrace

• Sarah Palin gets done doggy style

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Further Reading

UnBooks: Catholic Church's Version of Harry Potter • DIY and Carpentry Tips by Jesus Christ • God's Guide to Parenting • Pudgic Bible • The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth • The Nearly-Chaste Mormon's Guide to Quitting Masturbation • Third Epistle to the Thessalonians

UnScripts: Genesis, Episode II: In the Garden of Eden • Who built the moon

Unfomercials: Religious Leader Trumps

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Did You Know...

… Mayan prophesies predicted Quantum Computing?

… Bahais have the best bud?

… Buddah became overweight after his dad called him a Commercialist?

… Mayan prophesies predicted Quantum Computing?

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Topics Needing Expansion

Beings, Prophets & Deities

Cod, the god of Call of Duty.

Abu Hamza • Adam • Adam and Eve • Adam Smith • Agnostic • Allah • Angels • Angry Atheist • Anti-Baker • Anti-God • Anti-Muhammed • Antichrist • Azathoth and Nyarlathotep • Baal • Bahá'í • Baphomet • Baptists • Bible Thumper • Bibleman • Bill (son of God) • Bill Bennett • Brian of Nazareth • Brian Tamaki • Cat-tholic • Cliff Richard • Cthulhu • Cyborg Jesus • Cyborg Judas • Dark Lord • Demons • DinoJesus • Ed MacMahon • Ehtheists • Eucharist • Evil Jesus • Father Christmas • Fred Phelps • Ganesha • Gay Jesus • George Hammond • Gnostic • God 2.0 • God Steiger • God/Funny version • God/Unused • God: The Interviews • God-Fearing Republicans • God-Fearing Republicans • Gods • Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want • Gumby • Guy Fawkes • Heretic • Hermaphrodite • Hezbollah (Humanitarian Movement) • Hieronymus Bosch • His Holiness, the Dalai Lama • Ignatius of Loyola • Jamshid Bauerdinedshad • Jebus • Jedi • Jehovah • Jehovah's Witness • Jehovah's Witnesses • Jeohovas witness • Jerry Falwell • Jesus 2.0 • Jesus and the Miracle 5 • Jesus Christ - Alcoholic • Jesus Fucking Christ • Jesus Hasselhoff • Jesús • Jew/Classic • Jew • John Travolta • JR "Bob" Dobbs • Judas Eukaryote • Kaspar Hauser • Keanu Reeves • Khalil Gibran • Loki • Martin Luther King Jr. • Maximus the Lesser • McJesus • Mentalist • Mexican Jesus • Moloch • Monk seal • Monk • Mormons • Muslim • Nega-Pope • Nun • Odin • Pagan • Pelé • Pope Anacletus • Pope Linus • Pope Peter • Protestant • Quakers • Ramayana • Rambo • Ramtha • Raptor Jesus • Ray Comfort • Republican Jesus • Robert Tilton • Saint Augustine • Saint • Samurai Lincoln • Santa Claus • Satan • Shirley Phelps-Roper • Shirley Temple • Søren Kierkegaard • St. Belia • St. Bernard • Stan • Sweet smoking Jesus • Tao jones • The God Couple • The Holy Ghost • The Holy Goh • The Holy Rock • The Holy Spirit • Theist • Thetans • Tooth Fairy • Walpurga (saint) • Wild Jews • Zombie Jesus

Beliefs, Doctrines & Isms

Afairyism • Agnosticism • Allah's law • Aniassism • Apatheism • Anti-Semitism • Atheism • Atheism (religion) • Atheist Doctrine • Bassism • Beer • Bonerism • Bracketology • Buddhism • Catholicism • Celestial Teapotism • Christianism • Christianity • Colloquialism • Colonialism • Confucianism • Confusionism • Courtnology • Creationism • Darwinism • Determinism • Discordianism • Duckism • Eastern Unorthodox • Eggnogsticism • Eleven Commandments • Fecundism strategy • Freeslam •  • Godwins Law • Goth • Greek mythology • Hebrew • Hinduism • Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition • Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition • Homosexuology • Horoscopes • httpism • Islam • Jainism • Jesus theory • Jewish Dietary Laws • Jizzlam • Judyism • Kabbalah • Linguistic Creationism • Ludism • Lutheranism • Magic Pantheism • Magnetism • Monotheism v 4.3 • Musicology • Neo-Confusionism • New atheism • Oprahism • Pantheism • Papercupism • Patellaology • Pieism • Ponyism • Protestantism • Quakerism • Qu'ran • Rick James Version of the Bible • Sack Religion • Sadism • Santaism • Santanism • Satanic Bible • Science • Scientamish • Scientology • Scientosophy • Soonerism • Sporkism • Stalinism • Supercalifragilisticexpialidociousism • Tao • Televangelism • The Book of Moron • The gospel according to Jim • The Tao of Pooh • Theology • Torah • Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers. • Totally Torah: Genesis • Unitarian Universalism • Veggiestrology • Voidism • Walkentology • Whitism • Wicca • Wikipedianity • Zombie Christianity

Concepts & Ideas

99 Lives • 10,000 days • Amen • B4 • Bad Religion • Barbie doll worship • Beatlefication • Belief • Black Metal • Bonsai • Brahmin • Canonization • Change • Christian Metal • Christian Science • Confession • Coprophilia • Deviled eggs • Devilution • Divine Retribution • Eris (Space) • Evil • Existence of God • Existence • Faith • Feng shui • Freedom of Expression • Freedom of speech • Fuck it • Garden • Genesis • Global Panic • God Hates Australia • God Hates Fags • Godboost • God's masturbation • Heck • Heresy • Holiness • Holy • Holy cock • Holy Grail • Intolerance • Jewish History • Jewry • Karma • KoShare • Kosher • Malevolent Design • McWorship • Meaning of life • Mega Drive • Miracles • Multi religion switching • Necrophilia • Nintendo Eightfold Path • Nun accelerator • Occult • Organised religion • Original sin • Plan B • Playing God • Praise The Lord • Prayer • Prophecy • Schroedinger's Jesus • Seven ages of man • Sin • Soul • Spiritual • Splenda • Stigmata • Ten Commandments • Ten General Commandments of All Humanity • The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins • The Ten Commandments Of Jedi Order • The Ten Commandments • The Ten Plagues of Egypt • The X-Files • Thee • Trinity • Virtue • Unintelligent Design • Yet another Jew trick

Events, Holidays & Eras of Importance

This is My Body; this is My Blood; this is My Beer ~ Jesus

A proper Christian burial • Armageddon • Baptise • Chronikkah • Creation • Cthulhu Day • Damnation • December 21, 2012 • Doomsday • Easter of the Living Dead • Exorcism • First Communion • God v. Nietzsche • God v. Nietzsche • God vs. New York • Holy Week • Mass (church) • Passover • Premarital wanking • Presentation of the Lard • Reincarnation • Religious relic trading • Sacrifice • Salvation • Sermon • The Flood Trial • The Great Flood • The Rapture • The Second Coming • War on Science

Organizations, Groups & Places

Every God-fearing Christian hates Uncyclopedia.

A.R.C. • Bible belt • Cheetahs Gentleman's Club • Christian Right • Church • Church of Architect • Church of Awesomeness • Church of Buffy • Church of Golly • Church of Later Day Saints • Church of Michael Jordan • Church of Nihilism • Church of Ross • Church of Sony • Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples • Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • Cult • Cult of Apple • Cult of Relativity • Dark side • Dashboard Confessional • Episcopal Church • Family First Party • First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed • Grammatical Pantheon • Great Commission Ministries • Holy Market • Intelligent Design By Committee • Kansas Board of Education • Landover Baptist Church • Manic Street Preachers • Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness • Mosque • Mosques • Mount of Venus • Neon Genesis Evangelion • Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God • Phantasy Star Online • Purgatory • Reformed Church of Alfredo • Salisbury Cathedral • San Andreas Fault • Seventh Day Adventist Church • Society of Jesus • Soul market • St. Peter's Basilica • Stairway to Heaven • Talibanland • That 700 Club • The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy • The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips • The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks • The Church of Tyra • The Church • The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox • The Second Coming Project • The Vatican • Theocracy • United Church of Awesome • Worshippers of the Absolutely Amazing Electric Jellyfish • Wu-Tang Clan

Religion Related Articles

Allah: The Annotated Version • Bible Adventures • Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems • Cthulhu v. Japan • Holy Habits: Lingerie for Nuns • HowTo:Be a Good Catholic • HowTo:Believe in ALLAH! • HowTo:Find God • HowTo:Start a Religion • If Jesus had lived in America • Is the bear a Catholic? • It takes a good Muslim to work out good Islamic jokes • It's hard out here for a pimp • Jew Beanie • Lo Pan's Razor • Macintosh is Satan • Oh my God! You're going to Hell! • OMG! • Passion of the Christ • Passion of the Christ 2 • Reasons to become an atheist/The Dead Serious Scrolls Version • Reasons to become an Atheist • Requiem Republicam • Shroud of Napkin • Space Opera in Scientology • Ultimate Question • Unfomercials:Religious Leader Trumps • Unquotable:God • What was God thinking!? • Wheel of Deities • Why?:Join a Satanic cult • Why?:They Hate Us? • XBible 360

Vaguely Religious Miscellany

CD • Cell division • Discalced Carmelites • Doom .0068 • Duct tape • Fitna • Fourier Transform • Gah • Gerin oil • Gud • Hardline • Hedgehog • Hedwig and the angry inch • Herpes • Hi-fi • Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems • Horn Book • Hyena blazing • Intelligent Falling • Irreducible complexity • ITSCON • IWETHEY • Klestosapharot • Male Reproductive System: Attorney At Law • Mazda • Megatron • Mono • Mose • N00bl3ss3 0bl1ghey • New Clothes, (Emperor's), The • Noddy • Pascal's wager • PgUp • Picnic • Poutine • Rapist • Red Scapular • Shinto • Sith • Smart • Smeg • Socialist Alternative • Solid Gold • Stem cell • Taking Back Sunday • Teacher • Technocracy • Tehran • The Baker • The Divine Comedy • The Force • The History of The World, Condensed Into One Uncyclopedia Article • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy • The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia • The Midnight Sun • The Pilgrim Fathers • Threesome • Tibet • 'Til Eulenspiegel's merry pranks • Tourette's Syndrome/Amish • Tsathoggua • Twenty two • U2 • Uncyclopedia:Bad Right Wing Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense • We Are Scientists • Walpurgisnacht • Xenu • Yad • Yah-Weh-Oh! • Yenta • YHWH • Yiddish • You have two cows/19 • YWAM • Zephyr • Zoroaster • Zoroastrian • Zucchini

  Major Religion Founder Benchmark Test

Name:	Abraham	Lao-tse	Buddha	Jesus	Mohammed	Charles Darwin	Bobby Henderson	L. Ron Hubbard	Oscar Wilde
Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets:	Moses			Peter, Paul, & Mary, Martin Luther	Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar	Richard Dawkins		Tom Cruise, John Travolta
Religion(s):	Judaism	Taoism	Buddhism	Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs	Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects	Atheism, Theory of Evolution	Pastafarianism	Scientology	Uncyclopedia
Miracles (approx.):	20	1	7	200	0	0	1	0	1 (honest)
Covenants & Promises:	Milk, honey, and eternal life	Being one with the universe	Reincarnation, Nirvana	Eternal life	Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level	Freedom of thought	Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano	Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity	You will kneel before Wilde.
Enlightenment (kW):	1.5	150	200	1.6	1.25	180	100	-10 000	∞
Wives (approx.):	2-3	0	1	0	9-30	1	unlimited	3 (so far)	Ha, ha, ha!
Followers:	30-40 mln. (approx.)	60 mln. (approx.)	375 mln.	2.1 bln.	1.3 bln.	500 mln.	120 bln.	42	Uncyclopedia admins
Violent followers:	2.0%	0.1%	0.1%	2.5%	2.6%	0.000001%	0.01%	60%	100%
Overall result:	GOOD	GOOD	GOOD	NOT BAD	COULD DO BETTER	POOR	EXCELLENT	COULD DO BETTER	POOR
Value for money:	FAIR	FAIR	FAIR	GOOD	COULD DO BETTER	EXCELLENT	EXCELLENT	EXCELLENT	COULD DO BETTER

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The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
	Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Mrs. God, Jesús, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jeez, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, & Hollywood, opposed by Stalin After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook, opposed by Bat-Fuck Satan

† The Holy Family of the Jesii †

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. Main Jesii Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus Evil Jesus: Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus Placebo Jesus : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America? The So-So Company of Other Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. Monster Jesii Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus! Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus Munchie Jesii Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! Bad Jesii Atheist Jesus: You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Funny Jesii Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus Musical Jesii Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus Twisted Jesii Jesus 1.5a: An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pseudo-Jesii Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Kyle Broflovski: The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus LaBrie: That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even... More Jesii

 

   The Host of Satans   

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan.
Original Satan: The one who fell first.	The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.	Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.	The scariest Satan: Antichrist
Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco	The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan	Satan of gaming: Sega
Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street	Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
Satin: Is his name a typo?	Satan's younger brother: Stan
Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.	Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal	Satan of video gaming: EA

The Seven Deadly Sins
Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM
How can you even think of such things?

Divine Retribution

Damnation · Flagellation · Flood · Death of Your First Born · Frogs · Pestilence · Global Panic · Testicular torsion
Fire and Brimstone · Famine · Cancer · Papercuts of Doom · Damaged goods · Sudden Death · Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion · Decapitation Disease · Marriage · Melenoma · Meteors · Pedicornwallification

  Ho ho ho! 'Tis the season of SANTACARNATIONS!

Enjoy their presents, and rejoice their jolly names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Santa.
Future Santa: AKA The Ghost of Christmas Future	Save yourself from Robot Santa!
Black Santa: (Insert a racist joke here)	The kids' most loved bishop:Eurosanta
Satan Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping...	And if you thought one Satanic Satan was enough... Satan Clause
Scally Santa: UK's most beloved guy.	The father of all Santas: Father Christmas
If you are still unsatisfied with these Santas, you can always check out even...
More Santas